I hope this roller coaster is finally over. I just want to be happy.

If ever there was a time when I felt like I was home, this is it.
I love...
being in your arms
being around you
talking to you
holding you
kissing you
trusting you
getting butterflies
stealing your breath
seeing love in your eyes
feeling wanted.

Being in your arms makes the world disappear. It's like time stops.
I've said that before; I thought I felt that before. But not like this. You make everything better... you make the stress disappear. When I spend any time at all with you, I never want to leave. I want to stay with you as long as I can.

I wish I'd just said 'hello' whenever you said 'hi' to me when we first met. It took me too long to respond. 4 years later, we can see where it could have taken us then.

I just wish the timing was better.

Quick background: We were together for 3 years and 3 months. We broke up a month and 6 days ago. I'm dating someone new.

I know that what I did was a dick move.
But I can't be in a relationship if there's no trust. And that 'no trust' thing is going to fuck up everything else I do for the rest of my life.
I don't know if I'll ever want to go back.

He trusts me and he doesn't have to work harder to make me understand that.
But it doesn't matter. Because I still feel the need to lock my phone, hide my computer, watch what I say. I feel like I have some sort of camera glued to my forehead that I just can't see. I shouldn't be this paranoid.
I deserve to be happy.

So I'm done telling you everything that goes on. I'm done telling you that I love you. You just have to accept it. Either be my friend or leave. You leaving would kill me inside, but I know you don't want just a friendship. However, I want to be with him. I would've still been with you if we had any sort of trust left. And please don't take that as "We can work on it and be happy again" because I want to be with him and I want to be your friend. I do love you. I just can't be with you anymore. It's not fair for me to stay in a relationship with you just to make sure you're happy if I'm not anymore. That's just asking for trouble.

I'm sorry that you're not the one who can make me happy right now.
I'm sorry that we broke up a month and 6 days ago.
I'm sorry that I was pushed away months ago. I wanted to fix it.
I'm sorry that I want to be with him.
I'm sorry that I feel like an asshole for wanting to be with him so soon.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
But I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to find out if I can be happier somewhere else... even if it has only been a little over a month. If that makes me an asshole, then I guess I'm an asshole. But when you tell your friends and family about it, just remember to include the fact that I tried to fix it before it got out of control and I wasn't happy.

Oh I love battles of the exes.
Grow the fuck up, lady. You knew he liked me when you were with him, so don't say "that's just weird" and then start laughing if he says that he's dating me. You lost him, so that's not my problem.

And by the way, you can't block me from your FB and then expect me to not block you from mine.

I wish I could have seen this coming. You fucked up everything. I really hope you're proud of yourself.

And the worst part of it is... is that I don't even have the guts to say anything bad to your face. But it's alright. You never talk to me anymore anyway. And don't you dare say "oh, it's because I'm so busy anymore" because you talk to everyone else and you used to make an effort to still talk to me when you were busy before.
Not only that, but whenever you do decide to give me the time of day, the only way I can hold a conversation with you is by talking about sexual things or heavy flirting. Yeah, awesome. You were my friend while I was with Brian. But you also flat out said "I hate how I can't be with you" because of A, my relationship, and B, because of distance. Yet, once my relationship fell apart (because of you), you just left? That's not cool, dude. I wish I could've seen that red flag then. You're such a tool. You're a manipulating liar, you're a womanizer, you're a slut, and you're a tool.

Now things with Brian can never be fixed. The only good thing that came out of that relationship ending was that I have the freedom to date other people and see the rest of the world. But other than the issues with you, we were fine. I was generally happy. Yes, we had our issues in the past, but I was still happy.
Thank you for showing me how my relationship was unhealthy. Now leave me alone. Forget anything I've ever told you. Because right now, you and our so called "friendship" are nothing but a big regret.


I think you just made the list with Rich.

I don't understand.
Why can't I be happy?
Why is my happiness always questioned?
Why, when I'm happy, do others feel miserable?

I'm sorry I'm not talking to or flirting with you as much. I just can't. You're not my boyfriend anymore. You messed up and I did what I had to to make things right. We can't be in a relationship with no trust, it just doesn't work that way. Because only one of us would be happy. I can't stand this stress anymore. You don't see this how I do. You just want to be in a relationship with me, regardless of trust's existence. We need a friendship first. We never even had that, so I can understand why you don't feel comfortable with it. But I can't be in a relationship with someone who I can't trust and who obviously doesn't trust me. That's not healthy. What we had since April wasn't healthy. And the more I tried to just get everything out in the open, the more you hid. And yes, when you asked about Cody, I snapped at you. Because you kept asking for details of our conversations and you never did that with any of my other friends. It constantly offended me. I never ask you about details when you're talking to Kelly or Vickie. So butt out of my conversations with my friends. Or I swear to G-d I'll trap you again. And next time, it'll be worse because I'll quote your conversations with Shay, Sam, Vickie, Alyssa, and Rhea.

I just want to be happy. Knowing that you cheated on me 4 times, accused me of cheating on you at least twice, and snooped and made me change every one of my passwords, sucks. And it adds so much unneeded stress for both of us. I had an excuse to not trust you around girls, but you had no excuse not to trust me around guys. What's the worst thing that I would do? Admit the guy is attractive? Ooooh, it's so terrible. I guess by responding to "You're pretty" with "You're handsome" means I'm a cheater. I want a relationship where I can be trusted and I can trust whoever I'm with completely. I did trust you completely. In 2008. I brushed off those conversations you had with those girls because I thought I knew you better than that. I've never fully trusted you since then. And to know that you never fully trusted me absolutely sucks. Because I don't know what I did. And now, looking back at April-June this year, you got psychotic trying to read deeper into conversations that you shouldn't have even seen. You saw all the venting and the pain that I tried to hide from you. You went through my phone. Facebook. Skype. iPad. Notebooks. What else do I have that's private? Nothing! I'm shocked you didn't find my fricken' diary and start reading that too.

And just a sidenote, I could probably make a safe bet that you won't change and it'll only be short-term. I've seen it happen before with your promises of "I'll change." Which is the main reason I left. I've watched this play out before and I'm not about to watch it again.

Just a little memo for everyone who's been celebrating Osama Bin Laden's death the past couple of days:

By making & uploading a video of your celebrations, parties, or riots around the country, you're just showing the rest of the world why they don't like America.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am glad he's dead. But you will never see me being a part of a riot, party, or celebration about it. No, I think I'm going to go try to find Waldo... I've been searching for him longer than we've been searching for Bin Laden.